Honestly, I have no idea how long I was in the initial shock of my daughter’s death. There were so many “what ifs.” What if I had not taken her to the hospital? What if I had taken her to a different hospital? What if I had prayed harder? What if I had demanded that intubation and ventilation not happen? What if I had not allowed a DNR to be signed? What if I had insisted on an EEG?
Between a food train and neighbors, we were provided with food, so no meals were missed. Although I certainly don’t remember doing them, somehow the dishes and clothes were washed. Between Fabio, me, Jeff and Nicholas, Abigail was kept occupied. That precious three-year-old gave us all a reason to function each day. One day however, I passed by the mirror in the hallway and was startled by my reflection. My forehead was a bit scrunched up with my eyebrows furrowed. My mouth was slightly open, and I looked physically weak. This scared me. I didn’t like this. It was as though how I felt inside, no matter how much I attempted to mask it, was manifesting on the outside. That day I began to break protocol.
That look is now gone. I thank God for healing me every single day. Though there are still some very dark days, they are much fewer than the multitude of happy days. The grief sometimes creeps up on me like a sucker punch and it really hurts, but it doesn’t last as long. I have come to grips with the fact that the God I serve is indeed big enough that He could have stopped me from taking Rachel to the hospital, He could have directed me to another hospital, He could have healed my daughter through the experimental cocktail of medications that were protocol at the time, He could have prevented a DNR from being presented, and He very well could have placed the idea of an EEG in our minds.
Many people came to us with their desperate ideas regarding Rachel’s healing ranging from mega doses of vitamin C to special foot pads to “detox” her, and we know they meant well. It was physically impossible to enter Rachel’s room per the pandemic medical protocol. And yes, I have had someone with the audacity to tell me “Well if that had been my daughter….” but all I can say is that you will never know until you go through it. I promise I hope you never do.
As a Believer as well as a Pastor’s wife, it is my desire to listen to others when they are hurting or confused and do my best to offer Godly advice. As an advocate for Rachel, I resolved to never allow her death to be in vain. Rachel always wanted to tell her testimony. She would use a water bottle at home as a makeshift microphone practicing speaking to people. She told me many times “Mom you don’t understand; I see myself speaking in front of thousands of people!” Every single time I am invited to share about our journey, I am sure to include Rachel’s testimony. It was even included in her Celebration of Life service which has been viewed over 10,000 times.
When I hear of someone going through a bad time, I desperately want to wrap my arms around them, listen to them, and assure them that there really is Someone Who wants to save and heal them. But when I hear “you have gone through so much compared to this that I don’t want to bother you” it angers me! It really does. Galatians 6:2 NIV tells us “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
I have no idea what you have gone through or are going through right now, but I firmly believe that it is no accident you are reading this. You have a purpose. God says so! “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 It is written you are created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). It is written you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). It is written that no weapon formed against you will prosper (Isaiah 54:17) and it is written that by His stripes you are healed (Isaiah 53:5).
It’s not over! Oh no. Friend, you may be hurt. You may in fact be broken. But since nothing is impossible with God, you ARE STILL functional, and you can stop listening to the enemy’s lies that say you are finished. God’s Word WILL accomplish what it was sent to accomplish (Isaiah 55:11) so allow Jesus to heal you and go BREAK PROTOCOL!
Rachel's Voice 